I am lost.
I’m going to tell you a little bit about my relationship with God. I grew up in the church, we went to Sunday School and AWANA every week. I was also very involved in my junior high and high school youth group. I had a strong relationship with God, and I held that very close.
As a Junior and Senior in high school, I had already determined what I would do with my life. I wanted to live through mission work. I wanted to travel the world spreading Christ’s Message. Eventually I decided to pause on that and go to college before beginning that journey, because I knew I never would go to college if I went overseas right out of high school. I began my college career at Kansas State University in the Fall of 2012. I loved it, I joined a sorority were I made friends that I still love and am close to today. I majored in Elementary Education and I was set. My plan was to teach overseas and spread my mission that way. To be honest, I think I was a little naïve. I was 18, just moving away from my parents. I was naïve to think my faith would be unwavering. When you’re living in a small town smack dab in the Bible Belt, it’s easy to believe in God. College was different than that small town. Yes Manhattan was still a rural town, but I didn’t have the support system I had back home. I slowly started slipping away. I didn’t join a religious group on campus or go to church. I didn’t realize how this was hurting me. Events happened that first semester, even into the second that sent me to a place I’m thankful I got out of.
I met my husband that second semester, in Spring of 2013. I thanked God for bringing him into my life, but my relationship with Jace slipped me away more. Jace didn’t grow up going to church every weekend like I did. He didn’t go to youth group, or had gone through a confirmation class, or had been baptized and saved for his eternal life in Heaven. That didn’t bother me, but it should have. I love my husband, but I should have introduced God into his life, into our relationship. I should have let God be the foundation of our relationship. But I didn’t, and I slipped away more. I still believed I was that same person I had been the year before, but I wasn’t. That year held so many events I don’t care to relive. I still believed I had that same relationship with God that I had held so dear for so long. I moved in with my husband, boyfriend at the time, in July of 2013. I would mention here and there that I wanted to go to church but I never forced it.
In August of 2013 a life event happened that shook my family. My sister lost her life due to an aggressive cancer. At the age of 35 she was gone so suddenly. That ended my relationship with God. It wasn’t an instant thing, it happened over time. I had never had anybody close to me pass. When she died I began really thinking about the after life and Heaven. It bothered me on a level so deep I hated to think about it. I was conflicted, did this Heaven I grew up believing in really exist? Or was it a way to add meaning to life? That was my mindset for months, until I just didn’t think about it anymore, until I didn’t believe.
I have told no one about this inner confliction. I’m ashamed of it, because of who I used to be. That confliction halted my relationship with Christ.
2 and a half years later, January of 2016, I am here. I am trying to find my way back. I have lost who I am. I live week by week, I go to work , go to school, spend the evenings with my husband. But that’s not enough for me. I have a hole in my life that I need to fill. I know what I need, but I’m not sure if I can get back to that. This will be a struggle for me. This journal will be my raw emotions. The after life confliction still resonates deep inside me, and I have to work through that.
This blog is me, all my emotions and thoughts. My life events that have lead me here. I’m stripping myself clean, slowly. This is my Journey back to God.